Not sure if this is allowed....BUT the topic is Depression

Oscaralley

Oscaralley

Active member
I've suffered anxiety & depression my whole life. Diagnosed around 15ish and now I'm 48. I feel like I do really good and then it's just one thing that throws me in a spiral. My son was diagnosed at 15 he's now 26 with type 1 diabetes too (diagnosed at 19) My heart breaks for him to go through this... We both take the same meds for it.... Now at work I have a couple of young coworkers that are battling daily with it. Most of the time I'm in a good place to help...but sometimes I'm a mess myself. The hardest part of my day is in the evenings when my husband goes to work (he works nights) and it's just me and the dogs. I want so bad to talk to someone yet don't want to "bother" anyone. Anyone with chemical depression knows that sometimes you....well most of the time... you have no idea what is wrong....but something is wrong. I also have other health issues that make the depression harder at times.

I do hybrid scrapping because it helps me keep my mind off of the hard parts of life. Don't get me wrong.....I have a lot to be thankful for and I try to think of that....but it sometimes consumes you!

For other sufferers...do you have something that works for you and makes the day go by easier. I'm trying so hard to be more positive.

If this is not allowed please delete. I thought this group would be kind about this subject.

THANKS :(
Tanya
 
I, too, am battling depression. It came about after a significant life event, both of my parents passed away within 10 months of each other. It took a couple years before I agreed to even be treated. I thought, how silly...of course I'm upset and sad...suck it up...life goes on right? So many days of just weeping uncontrollably and with no logical trigger, constantly down, unable to tackle daily functions, no motivation what-so-ever...my sister encouraged me to talk to my doctor. I've been medicated for the past 5 years and it's definitely helped take the edge off. I feel therapy could be helpful, but have struggled finding someone that comes even remotely recommended. I'm not picking one blindly off a sheet of paper given to me by my doctor...or picking one out online. So, for now, that's what my sister is for.

Turns out, my mother actually was treated for depression after my grandmother passed...found that out later. She never advertised it, so we never knew. My sister found a list of medications she kept in her purse, and the meds I am taking were on that list.

For me, I need my alone time. When I find myself in a funk, and often I don't even realize it...I automatically retreat. My computer and scrapping are my safe haven. I immerse myself in my memories and that seems to help. When my depression kicks in I just tend to get really quiet. I'm unfortunately, a bottler...which is another issue I am working on.

I agree though...this group is always so kind and supportive. I know others will have great advice.

:kisses
 
I don't see any reason we should not be able to discuss things that are important to us. The only thing to remember when discussing some of this is that this is a very public arena, so if you are concerned about privacy for anything you say, it might not be the best arena. I am game to discuss, though.

Creativity is a great deterrent to depression and is a great place to get yourself back on track.

Blue Day books are also good. There was a book printed a while back that was a blue day book, you can google it. Since then, folks have made their own blue day books, things that brighten their lives. A good thing for hybrid work, I would think. Lots of good stuff, lots of texture, lots of creativity. You can also make them for people in your life feeling down.

I have struggled at times, but never sit still long enough to acknowledge it, which is probably not good either. It is a worthwhile topic to discuss, given recent current events. When people cannot discuss the things they struggle with, the issues can become to overwhelming to deal with.
 
CindyB said:
I, too, am battling depression. It came about after a significant life event, both of my parents passed away within 10 months of each other. It took a couple years before I agreed to even be treated. I thought, how silly...of course I'm upset and sad...suck it up...life goes on right? So many days of just weeping uncontrollably and with no logical trigger, constantly down, unable to tackle daily functions, no motivation what-so-ever...my sister encouraged me to talk to my doctor. I've been medicated for the past 5 years and it's definitely helped take the edge off. I feel therapy could be helpful, but have struggled finding someone that comes even remotely recommended. I'm not picking one blindly off a sheet of paper given to me by my doctor...or picking one out online. So, for now, that's what my sister is for.

Turns out, my mother actually was treated for depression after my grandmother passed...found that out later. She never advertised it, so we never knew. My sister found a list of medications she kept in her purse, and the meds I am taking were on that list.

For me, I need my alone time. When I find myself in a funk, and often I don't even realize it...I automatically retreat. My computer and scrapping are my safe haven. I immerse myself in my memories and that seems to help. When my depression kicks in I just tend to get really quiet. I'm unfortunately, a bottler...which is another issue I am working on.

I agree though...this group is always so kind and supportive. I know others will have great advice.

:kisses
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So sorry about your parents!!! My Mom died a couple of years ago and I don't mourn or miss her at all. I was mentally abused while growing up. I thought that had changed after my boys were grown but it returned. I know I seem like a monster and I often wonder if I am. I go out at night and look up at the sky and ask God why don't I have any feelings about this. Let's just say I miss what should have been. I don't have a relationship with my Dad either. I tried....but I had to draw the line when my boys were hurt.

I also bottle things up. I use to go in my room and pull the covers over my head for days.....until my Sadie girl (pitty) came along. She was my son's dog but couldn't travel with her. I watched her for a while and we both got attached to each other. He didn't have the heart to take her...he could see the bond. I use to have to walk her to go the bathroom....now we have a fenced in yard but she will not go out unless I go with her. The minute I come in, she comes in. I Thank God for her!!!
 
Thanks Lynnie!! I don't say much, but figured with the things going on today....if I did seek help, I won't feel so helpless to go there!! Been there before, but never reached out. I'll have to check those books out!
 
Well, the Blue Day book is a good thing to make you smile on a tough day. It is available on Amazon - but here is the book on a blog of some kind:

Blue Day Book

You can make your own Blue Day Book by deciding what makes you feel down and what helps you get out of it, then write something about it. We could even do a challenge, if you like. It is obviously not the answer to a deep, wounding depression, but it helps on those days when you are on the edge.

I would often write when things were at their worst. You can see much of it on Christopher's Web Site. Of course, that was before David died also. Two children...

Writing on Sorrow and Loss:

In those last weeks the great ups and downs of sorrow ceased and I no longer battled against death, I gave up my son's life to God and came to peace with his passing.


At the end, Sam kept vigil while Chris's sister, Moani and I held him and loved him through those final hours. His sister's strength in that time was a reflection of the courage that he wore. When he died, and such a struggle was that death, I was relieved. I was glad that he no longer suffered and I was filled with thankfulness that I no longer had to keep the vigil by that suffering. In the quietness that followed, when the life had gone from his gentle eyes, I washed that dear face one more time, combed his hair and began once again the ritual that I would never do again.


I placed a kiss in the palm of his cold hand and said, "What is this?" He would no longer answer, "It's a kiss." In the silence, I paused. "What does it mean?" My heart ached to hear him say, just one more time, "It means you love me forever." "Can you ever wash it off, dear one?" I said, softly, as the hand grew colder and colder. And in the lonely, empty space where my child no longer lived, I knew that kiss was safe in his hand and he would never wash it off again. I closed his hand around the kiss and answered for him. "No, you can never wash it off, ever."
My hands that once held a tiny baby filled with hopes and dreams now hold a box that contains the ashes of that child and the ashes of the golden future that died with him.


Me? ... I look for the butterfly that used to make my heart ache with loveliness. I look for the stars that used to illuminate the blackest of nights. I look for joy in a world that is drab and without color. I have all the pieces of my life around me, and the desire to recover is the glue that will one day fasten them together. Now I look for two pieces that fit, so I can begin to weave my life together again.


If I go through the motions, perhaps Sorrow will realize she is only a visitor in my home, not a resident. If I go through the motions, perhaps Joy will come to my home again and stay. Perhaps I can take of the winter coat of misery and feel the sun again on my face. Perhaps I will look up in the darkness of my night and see the milky way burning brilliantly across the heavens.


And perhaps the emptiness in my heart, where a child once lived will be replaced by the memories of a young man who lived his life with courage and conviction, who never lost his sense of humour right through the last moment and would want to live in our hearts as more than the illness which claimed him.
 
Oscaralley said:
So sorry about your parents!!! My Mom died a couple of years ago and I don't mourn or miss her at all. I was mentally abused while growing up. I thought that had changed after my boys were grown but it returned. I know I seem like a monster and I often wonder if I am. I go out at night and look up at the sky and ask God why don't I have any feelings about this. Let's just say I miss what should have been. I don't have a relationship with my Dad either. I tried....but I had to draw the line when my boys were hurt.

I also bottle things up. I use to go in my room and pull the covers over my head for days.....until my Sadie girl (pitty) came along. She was my son's dog but couldn't travel with her. I watched her for a while and we both got attached to each other. He didn't have the heart to take her...he could see the bond. I use to have to walk her to go the bathroom....now we have a fenced in yard but she will not go out unless I go with her. The minute I come in, she comes in. I Thank God for her!!!
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There is no reason at all, EVER, to mourn someone who does not deserve mourning. You may grieve for a relationship you wish had been there. You may regret that the relationship could not be repaired. Don't EVER take it on your own head to feel bad that there are no tears. Some people do not deserve tears and it is okay to feel that way.
 
AND - I am not a therapist - I do not know what I am talking about - I am just telling you how I feel. So if I say something, use your own judgement on if I should be listened to.

:kisses
 
I feel like Lynnie...you shouldn't feel guilty at all about not feeling sadness over someone who doesn't deserve it. I was very lucky to have two wonderful parents who I adored and was incredibly close to. My mom passed very suddenly, and my dad literally from a broken heart. I miss them terribly.

We rescued a sweet and sassy beagle/lab mix a little over 2 years ago...and I always say "who rescued who?". She is my shadow and protector. She is always there for me with a cuddle and kisses when she know I need it most. Dogs are the best that way :)
 
You are definitely not alone. I've struggled with depression since college. It got worse after my sons were born then my husband was deployed. It got so bad then that I forced myself to see my doctor. I've been on meds now for a while, just added another a couple years ago since I wasn't feeling myself. I have mostly good days, but an occasional bad one here and there. I'm in a good place now, but it's taken medication and therapy to get me there. Don't ever feel like you're alone in this, either of you. I'm available by PM or whatever if you'd like to chat "offline."
 
AJsRandom said:
You are definitely not alone. I've struggled with depression since college. It got worse after my sons were born then my husband was deployed. It got so bad then that I forced myself to see my doctor. I've been on meds now for a while, just added another a couple years ago since I wasn't feeling myself. I have mostly good days, but an occasional bad one here and there. I'm in a good place now, but it's taken medication and therapy to get me there. Don't ever feel like you're alone in this, either of you. I'm available by PM or whatever if you'd like to chat "offline."
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Big, giant hug to all of you who struggle with depression. I get sad, but I don't think I am depressed. I have been but it does not last long. I am not medicated, which is good, because I never remember to take medication, it is a huge failing of mine.
 
FormbyGirl said:
AND - I am not a therapist - I do not know what I am talking about - I am just telling you how I feel. So if I say something, use your own judgement on if I should be listened to.

:kisses
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You have been through pain I hope I will never have to face. I'm so sorry for your loss!! I can't even imagine. My pain is so trivial compared to the hurt you have experienced.
You are a very strong lady and wise!! Thanks for your kind words it does help and I so appreciate it!!!
 
AJsRandom said:
You are definitely not alone. I've struggled with depression since college. It got worse after my sons were born then my husband was deployed. It got so bad then that I forced myself to see my doctor. I've been on meds now for a while, just added another a couple years ago since I wasn't feeling myself. I have mostly good days, but an occasional bad one here and there. I'm in a good place now, but it's taken medication and therapy to get me there. Don't ever feel like you're alone in this, either of you. I'm available by PM or whatever if you'd like to chat "offline."
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Thanks so much!! Sometimes it helps just to talk.....just to get it off your chest! :)
 
CindyB said:
I feel like Lynnie...you shouldn't feel guilty at all about not feeling sadness over someone who doesn't deserve it. I was very lucky to have two wonderful parents who I adored and was incredibly close to. My mom passed very suddenly, and my dad literally from a broken heart. I miss them terribly.

We rescued a sweet and sassy beagle/lab mix a little over 2 years ago...and I always say "who rescued who?". She is my shadow and protector. She is always there for me with a cuddle and kisses when she know I need it most. Dogs are the best that way :)
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I am thankful to my parents for instilling good morals....Not sure how that happened. They were decent people, just not with me. I often think I must not have been my Dads biological daughter. Never felt either really loved me. Oh well...
 
Oscaralley said:
You have been through pain I hope I will never have to face. I'm so sorry for your loss!! I can't even imagine. My pain is so trivial compared to the hurt you have experienced.
You are a very strong lady and wise!! Thanks for your kind words it does help and I so appreciate it!!!
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Actually, pain should be measured against the individual's experience, not against each other. I can always look at my loss of two sons and see a mother who is coping with a suicide or a murder and thinking how much worse that would be. It is all relative - you live with wounds that were caused by a lifetime of treatment - that is huge. Don't ever think that you don't deserve compassion because your pain is "TRIVIAL" compared to someone else's. It is not trivial, it is not less relevant, it is your pain and just as important as mine.

Oscaralley said:
I am thankful to my parents for instilling good morals....Not sure how that happened. They were decent people, just not with me. I often think I must not have been my Dads biological daughter. Never felt either really loved me. Oh well...
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I had lovely parents who helped me through all the difficulties of my life. You experience a different kind of loss, or grief, for something that you should have had in your life.

Big HUG!
 
I think most of us have been in the same situation. It's just not that easy to talk about, so we go about our business in silent agony.

I'm going through a lot of family drama right now. Our oldest daughter (she's now 33) moved back home after a divorce. I thought she'd be here for 3 months, but that turned into 3 years. Finally, last August we asked her to leave. She hadn't saved a penny while she lived here. Only worked part-time, with no real interest to get a full-time job because Daddy always came to her rescue. I finally told him it was either her or me. Our 36-year marriage was in shambles over this whole thing, and I almost left. Be he agreed that he needed to stop being her enabler, and we told her she had to move out. It was horrible. We then went to Florida for 2 weeks and when we came back, she and all her stuff were gone, including my living room furniture. Then she started posting on Facebook about how terrible we were to her during her whole life. Everyone who knows us knows that what she is still saying is not true, but nevertheless, it still hurts like hell. It's been 10 months and only recently did we find out where she is. She blocked us from her phone, doesn't answer texts (those are blocked now, too). It really is horrible. I've been to counseling, take meds for anxiety, and still, I cannot go a day without thinking about how we could have handled this better.

So, you're really not alone. I've found this out, too. The more you talk about it, the more you find out you are not alone. We are all out here just waiting to lend an ear. Hang in there. I can't say it gets easier, but talking about it sure does seem to help.
 
When they are newborn babies, it seems as though the whole world is perfect - they are so sweet, they smell good and they can't talk! Then they grow up and you wonder what you did wrong...

In reality, I have three children who are doing okay, but I have a grandson whom I love with all my heart, but I can't seem to sort his life out for him. He has issues, so he can't really do it for himself. As a result, he sleeps on my floor and I don't know what to do. I have a son who was a problem his whole life, one thing after another. Kindest, sweetest soul, just unable to keep himself out of trouble. He is the grandson's father. Well, he was the grandson's father. We lost him a little over a year ago.

Even the kids who are doing okay, though, don't seem to have their lives in order in their late 20s and 30s. One does, but the other two have not settled on careers yet. They are self sufficient, but I always worry about their futures.
 
Awe man Donna...that is what you call "tough love". You can't support them forever and you really did try. I have friends that just went through something similar and they are still working on getting their marriage back together so I understand the toll it takes. Sending you a big hug. I know that can't be easy at all.

Even though I may not have any advice I hope it helps just to spill it all out...I tend to keep things inside and to myself, so sometimes is just is a big relief to throw it all out there.
 
Oh Tanya, Cindy, Anne, Donna, big hugs to all of you girls. I really believe that you all brave bacause you faced the challenge of acceptance, seeing a doctor and be treated. I'm happy to know that you girls have the outlet to do, so your minds are not focused on what is happening in your lives right now. And braver enough to share your stories here so that others could (start to) share too.

Donna, I hope someday she would realize that what you did was for her own good. Tough love was hard, but if you will never do it they wouldn't be able to make plans for their lives. You and your husband did good.

Lynnie, I'm so sorry for your loss. You are one sweet grandma. I hope that your grandson would find his goal in his life soon. Hugs to you.
 
djp332 said:
I think most of us have been in the same situation. It's just not that easy to talk about, so we go about our business in silent agony.

I'm going through a lot of family drama right now. Our oldest daughter (she's now 33) moved back home after a divorce. I thought she'd be here for 3 months, but that turned into 3 years. Finally, last August we asked her to leave. She hadn't saved a penny while she lived here. Only worked part-time, with no real interest to get a full-time job because Daddy always came to her rescue. I finally told him it was either her or me. Our 36-year marriage was in shambles over this whole thing, and I almost left. Be he agreed that he needed to stop being her enabler, and we told her she had to move out. It was horrible. We then went to Florida for 2 weeks and when we came back, she and all her stuff were gone, including my living room furniture. Then she started posting on Facebook about how terrible we were to her during her whole life. Everyone who knows us knows that what she is still saying is not true, but nevertheless, it still hurts like hell. It's been 10 months and only recently did we find out where she is. She blocked us from her phone, doesn't answer texts (those are blocked now, too). It really is horrible. I've been to counseling, take meds for anxiety, and still, I cannot go a day without thinking about how we could have handled this better.

So, you're really not alone. I've found this out, too. The more you talk about it, the more you find out you are not alone. We are all out here just waiting to lend an ear. Hang in there. I can't say it gets easier, but talking about it sure does seem to help.
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Donna...I know that has to be hard. I agree with what you did. Tough love!! Hopefully one day she will realize she is doing wrong!!
I know in my situation I did everything I could to make my parents proud, I did everything they asked....I was too scared to be a "bad" teenager!! They treated my brother different and my Dad still does. My brother and I didn't have a relationship at all until he had his first child (17 years ago)and realized that I wasn't all my parents told him I was. I thank God for the day he called telling me he loved me. It's been 17 years now. I wasn't even invited to his wedding.
My parents visited one time and my son ignored my Dad when he was talking to him. I got all over my Son and told him how disrespectful that was. He said "Mom...you don't understand. I told him I loved him and tried to hug him and he told me that I had to earn his love and respect" REALLY!!!! Are you freakin' kidding me!! He was only about 7 or 8. It never changed and got physical about 10 years ago (when they came to visit) and I said ENOUGH!!! I'm done!! You can treat me like crap....but not my children. They went home and I haven't seen them since. During this time my Mom passed away. My kids have no grandparents and sometimes I blame myself. Maybe I should have done something different. I was taken out by the state in highschool...put back in (It was even worse)and finally left at 18. I want to move on and be happy for my husband and kids.....but I have nightmares all the time. I'm 48, been married 29 years and my kids are grown. I feel like I've been a good Mom but not a happy Mom.
I want to find happiness and that is the reason I am trying to talk about it.
 
I'm currently on an anti-depressant. After my knee surgery late November, I had a horrible time overcoming the pain and challenges, of course, due to the pain I wasn't sleeping well either. I reached out to my family doctor (my surgeon wouldn't give me more pain medications since I was more than 4 weeks out from surgery at that point), and she renewed my pain meds thinking if my pain was controlled better and I could sleep it would help with the depression. After about another month, I reached out to her again, and told her I thought it was time for something else. That was when I was placed on the anti-depressant (my co-workers were also noticing and were very happy that I reached out to my doctor on my own). It took about a month for me to feel the full benefit, but now I'm feeling back to my normal self. My doctor and I feel my depression was situational, and I'm hoping soon to start being able to come off of the medication, but I don't want to rush it and cause me to slip backwards.
 
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